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Sam Strange Remembers: LIFE OF PI

Sam Strange tells you a story that will make you believe in the possibility of better stories.

Sam Strange Remembers: LIFE OF PI

Listen closely. I'm going to tell you a story that will make you believe in God. And then I'm going to make a bunch of movies about God.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Pie. That may seem like a weird name to you. That's because it's Frindian: Both French and Indian. It's short for "Pissing." Pie's full name comes from a very nice swimming pool in France, a pool with perhaps the clearest water in all the world. It was called the La Plompeux, but after young Pie got done with it, they had to change its name to "Pissing." To shame him, they changed his name to "Pissing" as well.

Pissing loves God so much that he can't get enough of the guy. He is Hindu, Christian and Muslim. He's also both vegetarian and vegan. And a second-wave feminist. So you can imagine how many friends he must have.

Because Pissing has no friends, he tries to find company with the many animals in his father's zoo. When his father catches him trying to shake the paw of the zoo's tiger, Richard Parker, he immediately understands his son's core dilemma and knows just how to solve it. Pissing's father invites him to learn sign language so that he may communicate and hopefully bond with the zoo's gorilla, Richard Starkey. Once Pissing and the gorilla have truly bonded, Pissing's dad takes the gorilla and forces Pissing to watch as he feeds it to the tiger, so that Pissing may learn once and for all that animals cannot be trusted, nor can they be our friends.

Despite worshipping three different deities and living in a zoo, Pissing enjoys a typical Indian childhood. He at one point gets covered in poo poo from a public latrine, his brother becomes a dangerous gangster and he wins a million dollars on a popular gameshow. Stuff we don't know about because we live in America and do not understand this beautiful and strange culture. Sure, we eat their samosas, but who among us really partakes in that weird, exotic mixture of fennel, sesame seeds and gigantic sugar crystals sitting by the exits of their lovely buffet restaurants?

So by now, you're probably saying, "Hey Sam Strange. What the fuck. We're already an hour into this boring movie, and I don't believe in God yet." Well hold your horses. As the Hindu God Baba O'Heinz once said, "The best things come to those who wait."

Because it has more letters and therefore probably better educational opportunities, Pissing and his family decide they'd rather live in Indiana than India. So they pack up their animals and get on a Japanese cruise liner. For reasons that go unexplained (cough, cough, ahem, Asiandrivers) the ship sinks into the middle of the ocean. For reasons that also go unexplained (cough, cough, ahem allegoricalnonsense) all the animals are running amok during the shipwreck.

Everyone dies except for Pissing, an orangutan named Richard Dreyfuss, a hyena named Richard Dawson, a zebra named Richard Starkweather, a mouse named Richard Speck, and Richard Parker, the big tiger. Together, Pissing and the animals jump overboard into a lifeboat. Immediately, the tiger eats all the other animals, but not before we see them all puke a couple times. Not sure why. I guess animal puke helps you believe in God, somehow.

So, it's down to just Pissing and Richard Parker. At first, they have an adversarial relationship based on a fairly typical predator/prey scenario. But because Pissing feeds and waters Richard Parker, the two become fast friends. Before Pissing knows it, he's waking up every morning to the sight of Richard Parker's butthole in his face. And every time Pissing is working on something important, Richard Parker casually walks all over it and fucks everything up.

Lots of really beautiful stuff happens while they are on their lifeboat. There's all kinds of awesome whale action. At one point a bunch of jellyfish light up the water. Schools of dolphins playfully pass by like they don't have a care in the world. It really makes you want to believe in God. And like a church service, it goes on for two hours that feel more like two days.

So at the three hour mark, something interesting finally happens. Pissing and his tiger land on an island filled with meerkats  Then the island tries to eat them. Then they leave. After that, there just isn't much more crazy ocean stuff to obnoxiously throw in your face 3D-style, so it's time to abruptly end the film.

We cut to an older, wiser Pissing as he tells this story to an extremely handsome and well dressed hipster novelist named Yann Martel. It makes him believe in God. But then Pissing drops the bombshell: "Just kidding. In actuality, all the magical stuff I told you was just bullshit lies I told myself to help me deal with the loss of my family and the violence I lived through after the shipwreck. And it worked. Even you prefer the dumb tiger story to reality. Such is the way with God."

As the hipster author walks away from Pissing and his wonderful stories, he realizes that instead of talking him into believing in God, Pissing sneakily turned him into an atheist. The end.

(3.14159265359 stars)

Evan Saathoff's photo About the Author: Evan Saathoff (known also by such aliases as Sam Strange and Tyler Perry) is News Editor of Badass Digest. He lived in Taiwan for two years and can order several food items in Chinese. Movies are fun, but he prefers Jesus Christ. Close personal friend to the Paranormal Activity Demon. Absurdly handsome. Weird wiener, though.
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