James. James Bond.

Jordan encountered one of the biggest idiot movie talkers ever in a recent screening of SKYFALL.

James. James Bond.

Tonight I attended the all-media screening for Skyfall. An all-media screening is, basically, the very last press screening before the film opens, when the studio opens the floodgates and lets in just about any lunatic who can halfway justify being there. In New York, this means a lot of kooks who were lucky enough to start Geocities sites back in 1997 and are left on a lot of invite lists. Everyone gets to bring a date and, if all the seats aren't filled, they let in members of the public who have the free time to wait around all day and maybe see a movie. This frequently means homeless people.

Now, a mover and shaker such as myself usually gets to see movies well in advance of this plebeian exercise, but sometimes schedules make it difficult and you find yourself with a curious crowd of legit (and damn well famous) critics mixing with sociopaths.

Some of these people, of course, would never pass muster at an Alamo Drafthouse, though the klutz behind me at Skyfall was so preposterous he might be given special dispensation.

I enjoyed the new James Bond picture with one of the biggest idiot movie talkers ever. So much so that I didn't shoot him daggers or “shhhh” him because I needed to hear what he said next.

Basically, any time something would happen on the screen this old codger would just say what it was. When Judi Dench showed up he'd mumble/growl "Judi Dench." Javier Bardem appears? "Javier Bardem." A bottle of Macallan? "Macallan." The Aston Martin? "Aston Martin." When they went to Shanghai and it said Shanghai at the bottom, he offered, "Shanghai."

After Bond called Q "Q," he then said, "Q."

I swear I am not making this up.

Also of note was when the song started and he croaked out an "Adele." So he's with it when it comes to pop music.

The best, however, was what he said after the very first close up of Bond. He wanted to say the phrase "Bond. James Bond," but, keep in mind, this was a cretin. So he said "James. James Bond."

What was flabbergasting, though, was later in the film, when Daniel Craig actually said "Bond. James Bond," this dunce repeated it once again as "James. James Bond." I wanted to turn around and kiss him.

There is a very real chance that I will spend the rest of my life mumbling “James. James Bond” every time I see Daniel Craig. Especially when it isn't a James Bond movie.

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Jordan Hoffman's photo About the Author: Jordan Hoffman is a writer, critic and lapsed filmmaker living in New York City. His work can also be seen on Film.com, ScreenCrush and StarTrek.com.
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