IF, BY THE VIRTUE OF CHARITY OR THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF DESPERATION, YOU EVER CHANCE TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME AT FANTASTIC FEST, A FILM FESTIVAL PUT ON BY THE ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE AT SOUTH LAMAR IN AUSTIN TEXAS, YOU WILL ACQUIRE MANY EXOTIC NEW FACTS. YOU WILL FIND OUT...
-THAT COMPARED TO THE QUITE FUN BUT SUREFIRE MADNESS OF SXSW, FANTASTIC FEST INSTEAD TRIES TO LOCALIZE ITS EVENTS AND TREAT ITS FILMS / HONOREES WITH SINGULAR, DEVOTED FOCUS.
-THAT YOU WILL RARELY SEE A MOVIE THAT ELICITS A SHRUG.
-THAT INSTEAD OF THE BIG BRITCHES AND "I'M SO IMPORTANT!" POSTURING OF ATTENDEES THAT IS COMMON AT MOST FILM FESTIVALS, THE REAL CURRENCY OF FANTASTIC FEST IS KINDNESS.
-THAT A SERIES OF GROWN ASS MEN WILL STRAP ON SLEEVELESS RED T SHIRTS AND FAKE TATTOOS TO CELEBRATE THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY RE-RELEASE OF A NEAR-UNHEARD-OF LATE 80'S ACTIONER ABOUT NINJAS, SYNTH POP AND THE DRUG TRADE, WHICH WAS DIRECTED BY A TAE KWON DO INSTRUCTOR / MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER / POSSIBLE CULT LEADER, AND THEN BE DELIGHTED TO WATCH THE BAND FROM THE MOVIE PLAY IN A LIVE VENUE AND ALL OF THIS WILL SEEM LIKE THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED.
-THAT HENRI MAZZA'S COMMITMENT TO COSTUMED HOSTING KNOWS NO BOUNDS.
-THAT AN EMOTIONAL TWO AND HALF HOUR FRENCH MOVIE LARGELY DEALING IN ABSTRACTIONS AND SURREALISM WILL BE ONE OF THE TOASTS OF A FESTIVAL THAT SPECIALIZES IN GROSSEST-POSSIBLE HORROR AND JAPANESE PINK FILMS (AND-HEY-THAT-MIGHT-BE-SAYING-SOMETHING-COOL-ABOUT-MOVIE-GENRE-OMNIVORES).
-THAT TIM LEAGUE WILL FIGHT A GRANDMASTER OF TAE KWON DO.
-THAT TIM LEAGUE WILL FIGHT A 70 YEAR OLD MAN.
-THAT TIM LEAGUE WILL FIGHT YOU IN A PARKING LOT BARE KNUCKLE BOXING MATCH CAUSE WHY NOT?
-THAT ONLY TIM LEAGUE COULD TURN A TEXAS AMERICAN LEGION HALL INTO A NORTH KOREAN POW CAMP AND NO ONE WOULD BE OFFENDED!
-THAT YOU ARE AT THE KIND OF FILM FESTIVAL WHERE EVERYONE WILL HAVE ALREADY SEEN THE DANISH TRILOGY.
-THAT YOUR LIVER IS STRONGER THAN YOU THOUGHT.
-THAT AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE A HARDCORE ARCADE NERD AFTER KICKING ASS IN GOD OF BLADES FOR AWHILE, YOU WILL BE SO VERY, VERY WRONG.
-THAT ORDERING A SALAD IS A COUNTERPRODUCTIVE MOVIE-WATCHING FOOD.
-THAT EVERYONE WILL GO AROUND TALKING ABOUT "THE PENIS MOVIE" AND IT'S ONLY KINDA SORTA MAYBE ABOUT PENISES AND MORE ABOUT DEATH.
-THAT DOUG BENSON ISN'T PLAYING UP THE WEED THING.
-THAT SCOTT WEINBERG ISN'T PLAYING UP THE WEED THING EITHER.
- THAT EVERYONE WILL YELL "HONDO!" BACK TO YOU AND THEN BE WILLING TO DO THIS:
-THAT, YES, YOU DID SPEND THAT MUCH AT THE HIGHBALL.
-THAT IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT.
-THAT THE TIKI ROOM IS THE BEST KARAOKE ROOM.
-THAT YOU WILL GET SERVED IF YOU COME AT HULK IN A BREAK-DANCE BATTLE.
-THAT YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT HOW NICE AND AWESOME BARBARA CRAMPTON IS FOR YEARS AND THEN YOU MEET HER AND SHE'S EVEN BETTER THAN THAT.
-THAT MICHAEL LERMAN HAS AN EXCITING SIDE-CAREER AS A NERD RAPPER. AND THAT A RAP ABOUT ABOUT BABE: PIG IN THE CITY CAN BE SLAMMIN'... IS THAT THE WORD THE KIDS USE? SLAMMIN'??? ....... LEAVE HULK ALONE.
-THAT THE ONLY THING PEOPLE LOVE MORE THAN MONDO POSTERS IS COMPLAINING THAT THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY EVERYTHING IN THE MONDO SHOP.
-THAT AS DELIGHTFUL AS SAM STRANGE CAN BE, EVAN SAATHOFF IS EVEN FUNNIER.
-THAT MARSHMALLOWS CAN ACTUALLY BE A GOOD DEVICE IN AIR SEX COMPETITIONS.
-THAT SEEING WINONA RYDER IN PERSON CAN INSTANTLY TURN HULK BACK INTO A LITTLE SCHOOLHULK WITH WEAK KNEES.
-THAT EVAN AND B.C. MAKE WONDERFUL "LEAD A BOXER TO A RING IN IMPOSING FASHION" GUYS.
-THAT JOE SWANBERG CAN GO FROM NEVER THROWING A PUNCH TO BEING PRETTY DAMN SOLID IN THE RING IN JUST ABOUT TWO HOURS OF TRAINING.
-THAT DEVIN FARACI WILL GET BACK UP.
-THAT A BOXING MATCH CAN BE NOTHING MORE THAN GOOD THEATER.
-THAT A MOVIE ABOUT KIDS PLAYING WAR CAN BE REALLY, REALLY ENTERTAINING.
-THAT APRIL SWARTZ IS BETTER AT PUNS THAN YOU ARE AT ANYTHING.
-THAT RINA TAKEDA WILL TOTALLY JUST BE HAPPY TO DEMONSTRATE HER HIGH-KICK GIRL MOVES.
-THAT MEREDITH BORDERS HAS WAY TOO MUCH WORK TO DO AT THESE THINGS AND YOU SHOULD GIVE HER TREATS BECAUSE OF THAT.
-THAT THE FANTASTIC FEUD SCORING SYSTEM MIGHT BE ONE OF THE MOST UNFAIR THINGS HULK HAS EVER SEEN AND ROBBED THE AMERICANS OF THEIR TITLE!
-THAT THE FANTASTIC FEUD IS STILL A CRAZY AMOUNT OF CHAOTIC FUN.
-THAT IT'S THE KIND OF FESTIVAL THAT CAN LITERALLY FEATURE A "CORRUPT COP DAY."
-THAT IF ANYONE ACCUSES HULK OF TRYING TO RIP OFF INFINITE JEST WITHOUT CREDITING IT THEN THEY DIDN'T GET THIS FAR INTO THE ARTICLE.
-THAT BILL NORRIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A CLASS ACT; TRULY AS SMART AND KIND AS THEY COME.
-THAT HULKS SHOULDN'T BE LET NEAR UCHI BECAUSE HULKS EAT ALL THE SUSHI.
-THAT BRIAN COLLINS IS THE KIND OF STAND-UP GUY THAT PEOPLE WILL JUST BRING DUNKIN' DONUTS TO.
-THAT AT SOME FESTIVALS IT IS OKAY TO BE YOURSELF (THANK YOU TO LANA WACHOWSKI).
-THAT THE WACHOWSKIS ARE FAR, FAR MORE PERSONABLE AND LESS RECLUSIVE THEN YOU'VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE.
-THAT "TORTURE-OKE" COMES DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO "SEXUAL-AID-DEVICE-OKE"
-THAT STANDING IN LINE ISN'T SO BAD WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT WITH DOZENS OF LIKE-MINDED FILM NERDS... AND USUALLY HOLDING BOOZE.
-THAT NICK ROB AND CLAUDASAUR CAN KILL "BLACK AND YELLOW."
-THAT RIAN JOHNSON AND AARON HILLIS CAN KILL "Y-O-D-A."
-THAT A CHANGE OF SCENERY WITH A NICE MEAL OUTSIDE THE ALAMO BLOCK CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE.
-THAT THE AMAZING, WONDERFUL FONS PR TEAM WILL BRING YOU THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA IF YOU ASK FOR IT.
-THAT TEXAS BARBECUE IS NOT OVERRATED IN ANY WAY.
-THAT YOU CAN'T TELL THAT TO SOMEONE FROM KANSAS CITY.
-THAT YOU CAN TALK TO SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER MET AND HAVE A NEW BEST FRIEND BY THE END OF THE WEEK.
-THAT AUSTIN KNOWS HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE... MOSTLY WITH BREAKFAST TACOS.
-THAT THERE IS NOTHING MORE JOYFUL THAN WANDERING INTO A MOVIE YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT.
-THAT IT TAKES A SCOTTISH HULK, BORN IN BOSTON, LIVING IN LOS ANGELES, TO COME TO AUSTIN, IN ORDER TO REALLY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE HOME.
<3 HULK
About the Author: FILM CRIT HULK WAS CREATED IN A CHAOTIC LAB EXPERIMENT INVOLVING GAMMA RADIATION, TELEPODS, AND THE GHOST OF PAULINE KAEL. NOW HULK HAVE DEEP AND ABIDING LOVE CINEMA.
