Film Crit Hulk Smash: HULK SMASHES THE PUNY PARADIGMS OF FILM CRITICISM WITH HULK-SIZED SEMIOTICAL ESSAYS ON STORYTELLING, CINEMATIC PRINCIPLES, AND MEDIA THEORY! HULK EVEN MAKE PRACTICAL HOW-TO GUIDES! See More...

Film Crit Hulk Smash: WHY YOU LOVE MOVIES

Zack told us last week why we hate movies. Hulk now reminds us why we love them.

Film Crit Hulk Smash: WHY YOU LOVE MOVIES

EMERGING BADASS SUPERVILLAIN ZACK CARLSON WROTE A REALLY ENTERTAINING, ALBEIT PURE-EVIL POST LAST WEEK ABOUT WHY YOU HATE MOVIES.  HULK SHOULD CERTAINLY NOTE THAT THE ARTICLE IS FUNNY AND MOSTLY JUST IDENTIFIES SOME COMMON TROPES OR SPECIFIC ANNOYANCES THAT MR. CARLSON BELIEVES HAVE A TENDENCY TO RUIN THINGS, BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP IT FROM BEING PURE-EVIL. A FEW COMMENTERS EVEN NOTED THAT THE ARTICLE'S DISPOSITION RAN RATHER COUNTER TO HULK'S OWN BADASS MISSION STATEMENT TITLED NEVER HATE A MOVIE...THE STUNNING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO MANTRAS IS ALMOST HILARIOUS. HULK AND MR. CARLSON COULD NOT BE FURTHER APART ON THIS ONE.

AND HULK STANDS BY HULK'S MISSION STATEMENT, TWO SMASHING FISTS AT THE READY.

EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF THE COMMENTS ON MR. CARLSON'S PIECE WERE ALSO RATHER FUNNY AND WELL-OBSERVED, SOON ENOUGH THE IDEAS AND WALLS BEGAN TO TUMBLE DOWN WITH THE FLOOD OF HATE EMERGING. LOADS OF COMMENTERS FIGHTING BACK AND FORTH, BROAD SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS, AND UTTERLY MISCONSTRUED IDEAS ABOUT WHAT MOVIES ACTUALLY DO, WHY "HOLLYWOOD" ACTUALLY DOES THEM, AND WHY IT ALL TOTALLY SUCKS.

EVERYTHING HULK HAS EVER FEARED CAME TRUE.

THERE'S AN ANECDOTE FROM CHUCK KLOSTERMAN ABOUT HOW HE ONLY LIKES TALKING ABOUT MUSIC WHEN IT'S SOMETHING THE OTHER PERSON LIKES TOO. WHAT MAY SEEM TO SOME AS A MATTER OF STRIVING TOWARD HIVE-MINDED AGREE-ABILITY, COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THAT GOAL. IT IS MERELY REFLECTING THE GOAL OF MUSIC ITSELF. BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO MUSIC, WITH ITS BROAD INFINITE SPECTRUM OF TASTE AND STYLE, IT CAN REALLY ONLY OPERATE AS SOMETHING THAT BINDS PEOPLE TOGETHER. AND THUS, DISCUSSIONS OVER HATING BANDS ONLY REVEALS SOMETHING THAT IS DIVISIVE. IT BUILDS A "YOUR FAVORITE BAND SUCKS" CULTURE INDEED.

SO EVEN THOUGH MOVIES ARE A MUCH "SMALLER" MEDIUM AND ACT AS PROVERBIAL CAMPFIRE OF SORTS, THERE IS A CAPACITY TO WHICH THEY OPERATE IN SAME WAY. HULK ADDRESSED IT ALL BEFORE IN THE NEVER HATE A MOVIE COLUMN, BUT IT SO DAMN IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER WHAT WE TRULY LOVE ABOUT MOVIES... ESPECIALLY SINCE HATE SEEMS TO BE WHAT WE'RE GOOD AT THESE DAYS.

SO HERE'S WHY YOU (AND HULK) LOVE MOVIES:

BECAUSE OF STANLEY KUBRICK.

BECAUSE OF POPCORN.

BECAUSE OF SEEING A HORROR MOVIE ON A DATE.

BECAUSE OF THE GIANT SCREEN.

BECAUSE OF THE RITUAL.

BECAUSE OF THE END OF BLOW-OUT.

BECAUSE NETWORK GOT MADE.

BECAUSE OF JUDD FREAKIN APATOW (THAT WAS MISGUIDED, CARLSON! THAT WAS MISGUIDED.)

BECAUSE OF THE MAGIC HOUR SCENES IN DAYS OF HEAVEN.

BECAUSE OF "THE WAXWORKS" IN SUNSET BLVD.

BECAUSE OF JASON ROBARDS IN ALL THE PRESIDENTS MEN.

BECAUSE OF THE JUMPKICK IN HOT FUZZ.

BECAUSE THE SADDEST AMNESIA PLOT-LINE ON CELLULOID IS IN THE MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN.

BECAUSE OF SAM THE EAGLE.

BECAUSE THEY IGNITE OUR IMAGINATIONS.

BECAUSE OF MAE WEST'S GUN-FIGHTING IN MY LITTLE CHICKADEE.

BECAUSE OF JUNIOR MINTS.

BECAUSE OF THE FIRST BOARDROOM SCENE IN PUTNEY SWOPE.

BECAUSE OF THE MOMENT WHERE MARK WAHLBERG AND JOHN C. REILLY TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY CAN BENCH IN BOOGIE NIGHTS.

SCREW IT, BECAUSE OF THE ENTIRETY OF BOOGIE NIGHTS.

BECAUSE OF THE SONG TITLE "LICK MY LOVE PUMP."

BECAUSE OF THE DELIGHTFUL, LURID INSANITY OF RUSS MEYER'S SUPERVIXENS.

BECAUSE OF RITA HAYWORTH'S DANCE NUMBERS WITH FRED ASTAIRE:

BECAUSE THE EDITING OF THE FRENCH CONNECTION.

BECAUSE THEY ALLOW US TO EXPERIENCE IMPOSSIBILITIES.

BECAUSE OF THE SECRET OF HOW TARKOVSKY PULLED OFF THE GRASSY MEADOW SHOT IN THE MIRROR.

BECAUSE OF THE CUT TO SILENCE IN ALL THAT JAZZ... YOU KNOW THE ONE.

BECAUSE THE POOL SCENE OF LET THE RIGHT ONE IN SATISFIES HULK ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.

BECAUSE OF THE CAREER RANGE OF WERNER HERZOG.

BECAUSE OF CAGNEY IN WHITE HEAT.

BECAUSE THEY ARE "OUR DREAMS ON SCREEN."

BECAUSE OF SHELLEY WINTERS' HILARIOUS DIVE IN THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.

BECAUSE THEY NEVER SAY WHAT "IT" IS IN AN AFFAIR OF LOVE.

BECAUSE ONCE SHOWS YOU HOW MUSIC COMES ALIVE.

BECAUSE OF SURROUND SOUND.

BECAUSE OF EVERY SINGLE LINE DELIVERY BY BETTE DAVIS IN ALL ABOUT EVE.

BECAUSE OF THE DELIGHTFUL RARITY OF ON-SCREEN MALE NUDITY (WITH NO EWAN MCGREGOR IT WOULD BE LIKE 3 DUDES).

BECAUSE OF THE JOKES HULK'S FRIEND ELLIOT MADE DURING CONGO.

BECAUSE HULK PRETTY KINDA SURE THAT HULK FIGURED OUT MULHOLLAND DRIVE.

BECAUSE HULK TOTALLY DIDN'T FIGURE OUT INLAND EMPIRE.

BECAUSE WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TOP THE CHARIOT SCENE IN BEN HUR:

BECAUSE THEY GAVE US WARREN FUCKIN' OATES.

BECAUSE THE ROCKY MUSIC IS PROBABLY RESPONSIBLE FOR FIVE OF YOUR TOP SIX SPRINTING TIMES.

BECAUSE THE COURAGE OF HOW SPIKE LEE SHOT EVERY SINGLE SCENE IN MALCOLM X.

BECAUSE OF RADIO RAHEEM'S STORY OF LOVE AND HATE.

BECAUSE JACKIE CHAN HAS COMPLETELY SACRIFICED HIS BODY FOR NOTHING MORE THAN OUR ENJOYMENT.

BECAUSE OF WHEN THE CAMERA PANS DOWN ON THE SINGING BOY IN CABARET.

BECAUSE THE T-REX ATTACK IS STILL THE BEST USE OF CGI 16 YEARS LATER.

BECAUSE OF WHAT THE TITULAR LINE IN Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN ACTUALLY REFERS TO.

BECAUSE OF EVERY SINGLE PRODUCTION DETAIL OF A CLOCKWORK ORANGE.

BECAUSE MOVIES ARE SO POWERFUL THEY CAN BE BANNED.

BECAUSE OF THE FRAMING DECISIONS IN ROSEMARY'S BABY.

BECAUSE THE GENERAL CAN STILL MAKE A 4 YEAR OLD LAUGH.

BECAUSE THE GENERAL CAN STILL MAKE A 40 YEAR OLD LAUGH.

BECAUSE OF THE "IT'S A SWEATER!" LINE IN THREE AMIGOS.

BECAUSE OF PETER SELLERS.

BECAUSE OF WHEN JOHN WAYNE CAN'T GET OUT THE WORDS IN THE SEARCHERS.

BECAUSE THEY MAKE THE WORLD FEEL BIGGER.

BECAUSE INCEPTION WORKS ON AS MANY LEVELS AS THE DREAM ITSELF.

BECAUSE THEY MAKE THE WORLD FEEL SMALLER.

BECAUSE THE "SHOUT" SCENE IN ANIMAL HOUSE IS STILL INFECTIOUS AFTER 34 YEARS.

BECAUSE OF THE UNCOMFORTABLE TIME YOU WATCHED THE CRYING GAME WITH YOUR MOM.

BECAUSE OF HOW YOU COULD STILL TALK ABOUT THE CRYING GAME WITH YOUR MOM ANYWAY AND BECOME MORE DYNAMIC PEOPLE TOGETHER.

BECAUSE CITIZEN KANE GETS THE RESPECT IT DESERVES.

BECAUSE PANDORA'S BOX (1929) SAYS MORE COMPLEX, INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT SEXISM THAN THE SUM TOTAL OF MOVIES RELEASED LAST YEAR.

BECAUSE OF THE CUT TO BLACK IN THE WRESTLER.

BECAUSE OF THE DUEL SCENE IN BARRY LYNDON.

BECAUSE OF THE BASEMENT SCENE IN INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.

BECAUSE THEY ARE ONE OF OUR TOP 10 EXPORTS.

BECAUSE HULK CAN SHOW SOMEONE LUMET'S 12 ANGRY MEN AND THEY'LL BE SURPRISED THAT "OLD MOVIES ABOUT PEOPLE TALKING" WERE ACTUALLY CINEMATIC.

BECAUSE OF THE FEARLESS, BRILLIANT WORK OF CATHERINE BRELLIAT.

BECAUSE ATTACK THE BLOCK IS TECHNICALLY A FILM ABOUT "BIG GORRILA-WOLF-MOTHERFUCKERS" ATTACKING AND AND SAYS MORE COMPLEX THINGS ABOUT SOCIETY'S RACIAL ISSUES THAN THE HELP.

BECAUSE WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE DIDN'T COMPROMISE.

BECAUSE TOWELHEAD DIDN'T COMPROMISE EITHER.

BECAUSE HULK CAN WATCH AMERICAN GRAFFITI AND WONDER WHERE THAT FILMMAKER IS NOW.

BECAUSE OF PAUL NEWMAN'S BABY BLUES.

BECAUSE OF ELIZABETH TAYLOR'S EYEBROWS.

BECAUSE OF AUDREY HEPBURN'S SMILE.

BECAUSE OF GROUCHO MARX'S MIND.

BECAUSE OF JUDY GARLAND'S VOICE.

BECAUSE OF CARY GRANT'S SMOLDER.

BECAUSE OF THE LEGACY OF MARY PICKFORD.

BECAUSE OF THE WAY GREGORY PECK PROJECTED DIGNITY.

BECAUSE OF THEY WAY LAUREN BACALL PROJECTED TROUBLE.

BECAUSE OF THE WAY BARBARA STANWYCK WOULDN'T TAKE YOUR SHIT.

BECAUSE OF THE WAY BOGIE WOULDN'T TAKE YOUR SHIT EITHER.

BECAUSE OF THE CAR ATTACK SCENE IN CHILDREN OF MEN.

BECAUSE OF WHEN AN ENTIRE AUDIENCE GASPS.

BECAUSE OF THE CHASE IN RAISING ARIZONA.

BECAUSE OF WHEN AN ENTIRE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

BECAUSE THE SHOOTING OF APOCALYPSE NOW WAS YEARS-OF-LIVING-HELL AND THE MOVIE IS STILL AMAZING.

BECAUSE YOU CAN SHOW AN 18 YEAR OLD BERGMAN'S PERSONA AND THEY'LL SUDDENLY "GET" WHAT MOVIES CAN DO.

BECAUSE OF THE AWESOME SUPLEX IN BLADE 2.

BECAUSE OF HARRY LIME.

BECAUSE "WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT."

BECAUSE HULK NOT SURE THERE'S BEEN A BETTER ARTICULATION OF THE TRAPPINGS OF THE MALE MIND THAN 8 1/2.

BECAUSE HULK NOT SURE THERE'S BEEN A BETTER ARTICULATION OF THE TRAPPINGS OF THE FEMALE MIND THAN JULIET AND THE SPIRITS.

BECAUSE BONNIE AND CLYDE STILL FEELS DANGEROUS.

BECAUSE KUROSAWA.

BECAUSE OF THE BRAZEN AUDACITY OF TAXI ZUM KLO.

BECAUSE OF THE BLOOD TEST IN JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING.

BECAUSE A SHOT BY SHOT ANALYSIS OF STRANGERS ON A TRAIN COULD TEACH YOU EVERYTHING YOU EVER NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT MOVIES.

BECAUSE ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND MADE HULK A BETTER HULK.

BECAUSE  HAPPY GO LUCKY CONFIRMS EVERYTHING THAT IS IMPORTANT TO SOCIETY.

BECAUSE THE "SU-PER-MAN!" MOMENT IN IRON GIANT MAKES HULK CRY ALL 53 TIMES HULK HAS SEEN IT.

BECAUSE THEY WERE THE SITE OF HULK'S FIRST KISS.

BECAUSE THEY WERE THE LAST THING LITTLE HULK DID WITH HIS GRANDPA BEFORE HE DIED.

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONE THING HULK WOULD RATHER DO THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

... EXCEPT SHARING THEM WITH THE PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT TOO.

BECAUSE THERE ARE STILL THOUSANDS OF GREAT MOVIES OUT THERE THAT HULK HASN'T SEEN.

BECAUSE AS CYNICAL AS WE GET, THERE ARE STILL A THOUSAND GREAT MOVIES THAT HAVE YET TO BE MADE.

AND LASTLY, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, BECAUSE MOVIES TOTALLY MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE IN.

...

SO CONSIDER THE STORY OF LOVE AND HATE.

WHAT DO THE THINGS WE HATE ABOUT MOVIES PROVIDE US? WILL OUR DESPERATE PLEAS BE HEARD BY THE STUDIO HEADS AND FILMMAKERS ACROSS THE LAND? WILL OUR COLLECTIVE HATE PROVIDE US ANYTHING BUT A PLACE TO VENT? IS IT A MERE EXERCISE IN SCHADENFREUDE?

IF ANYTHING OUR HATE OF MOVIE ANNOYANCES MAY DO NOTHING BUT SOUR US ON THE ENTERPRISE ALL TOGETHER. A NATION OF MOVIE-GOERS TICKED OFF BECAUSE SOMEONE'S NOT PROVIDING US WITH EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT. HULK KNOWS THAT A SOMEWHAT GENTLE WAY TO PUT THE COMMERCE-DRIVEN B.S. THAT COMES WITH A LOT OF HOLLYWOOD TODAY, BUT THERE IS A WAY IN WHICH IT'S TRUE. THERE ARE TOO MANY AMAZING MOVIES ALREADY OUT THERE THAT YOU COULD SEE INSTEAD. A LIFETIME OF THEM. AND BY HATING WE ONLY CLOSE OURSELVES OFF TO THE THRILL OF DISCOVERY AND EXPANDING OUR BOUNDARIES. IT'S NOT JUST THAT HULK ARGUES WE SHOULD NEVER HATE A MOVIE...

... IT'S THAT THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT MOVIES, WILL MAYBE BE THE THINGS THAT SAVE THEM.

WATCH THIS

Film Crit Hulk's photo About the Author: FILM CRIT HULK WAS CREATED IN A CHAOTIC LAB EXPERIMENT INVOLVING GAMMA RADIATION, TELEPODS, AND THE GHOST OF PAULINE KAEL. NOW HULK HAVE DEEP AND ABIDING LOVE CINEMA.
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