Borders Line: Don’t Make That, Make This Instead

Despite our most urgent pleas, Hollywood continues to sick up a gooey, incessant strand of movies about matrimony. We offer instead thirty movie pitches that sound a hell of a lot more entertaining than WOMAN ATTENDS WEDDING, WACKY SHIT HAPPENS.

Borders Line: Don’t Make That, Make This Instead

Chloë Sevigny Plays A Transgender Assassin

Okay, I know that this premise is already in the works as a series. But godammit, I want to see that movie, too. The hook is that Sevigny realizes that, pre-transition, she was responsible for a passel of illegitimate kids. So it’s a family story. Something for everyone!

Women Eat Pizza And Have Casual Sex

“Ladies have promiscuous relationships and then go ‘ew. no.’ when the guy is all ‘I think we should get married!’ Then the girls all go eat an ENTIRE PIZZA and get day drunk with their girlfriends.  That’ll sell tickets, right?” via Caitlin Stevens

A Biography Of Victoria Woodhull

Woodhull was the first woman to run for the U.S. presidency back in 1872. Her dad was a con-man and one of her many lovers was an anarchist. She was a proponent of obligation-free sex for women after her loveless first marriage at the age of fifteen. She grew fabulously wealthy as one of the first female Wall Street brokers. She became editor of a newspaper and used its pages to advocate legalized prostitution, sex ed, free love, birth control, women’s suffrage, short skirts and vegetarianism. In the 1870s, you guys! What a bona fide badass.

Not Just One Of the Guys

“A lady eats lots of sandwiches and enjoys beer and baseball. She is still, however, friends with lots of women. I hate it when ‘hot tomboys’ in movies are only friends with men, and end up falling for the loseriest of all of them. I don’t want to be a dude. I just like some stereotypically dude stuff!  It could be called Not Just One of the Guys.” via Amanda Jeronimus, The Violator

Miscarriage Haunting

A pregnant woman drives inebriated, crashing her car and resulting in a miscarriage. She is then haunted by one of those absolutely terrifying 3D ultrasounds of her baby. Heebie-jeebies abound.

The One Movie Where the Smart, Funny Girl Isn’t Wasted By Playing the Quirky Sidekick For All Of Two Seconds

“Mindy Kaling goes around convincing drunk guys that they hooked up the night before, and then, when they feel guilty for not remembering her name, she makes them buy her conciliatory fro-yo. I would call this movie The One Movie Where the Smart, Funny Girl Isn’t Wasted By Playing the Quirky Sidekick For All Of Two Seconds, though I admit that it would be hard to fit that title on marquees.” via Erin Curtis, Forever Young Adult

A Movie About Sandman‘s Death

They’re always threatening us with an adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, an epic undertaking too precious for Hollywood’s big, clumsy meat hooks. But take that colossal, universe-encompassing story and narrow it down to its most compelling character? Death’s goth pop get-up and perky personality make her the most pleasant aspect of Grim Reaper fiction. Death: The High Cost of Living would make a really terrific movie, and Gaiman and Guillermo del Toro tried to make it for a long time, but it now resides in development purgatory. And yet we’re treated to The Hangover III. And probably IV.

Some Kind of Wonderful Meets The Descent Meets Shaun of the Dead

“I’d kill (and the studios are leaving me no other choice lately) to see a character like Mary Stuart Masterson’s Watts on the big screen again. This Watts-like tomboy character (leader of the pack) and an equally awesome and hilarious supporting cast of women would be on the run from some Morlock-type, subterranean humanoids, and nothing predictably contrived would happen like their cycles syncing up, thusly attracting bears. There would be a well-delivered, decent amount of dogging of the male species, but not in a typical fashion. Instead of, ‘HE DOESN’T LOOK AT ME THE WAY HE USED TO!’ it would be more like, ‘Fuck, none of our dudes will answer our cellular bat signals for help because they’re holed up in the theater for a special screening of the 414 minute Sergei Bondarchuk’s War and Peace.’ Hello, they’re at the Alamo Drafthouse with their phones turned off.” via April Swartz, Badass Digest

Agent 355 Gets Her Own Movie

We’ve heard plenty about DJ Caruso’s potential film adaptation of Y: The Last Man, but if the entire series has to be encapsulated in one film, must we really focus on Yorick? Y is for yawn, amiright? Make this movie about Agent 355, instead! She’s a cold-ass secret agent with eidetic memory and quite a way with a collapsible baton. She has a fascinating, mysterious past and enigmatic motivations. She makes a far more intriguing protagonist than Yorick, trust. And examining the The Bodyguard angle from her point of view makes for highly juicy cinema.

Women Fall In Love Over Tacos

“A gay love story where the girl falls for someone who doesn’t notice she is alive, so she gets a makeover. She realizes how douchey this makes her, loses interest, and goes for tacos with her friends. She keeps the makeover, though, because the haircut really does look cute.  Someone at the taco shack admires her use of two breakfast meats in her breakfast taco, and they live happily ever after.” via Amanda Jeronimus, The Violator

Typical Serial Killer Movie, Now With Ladies

A serial killer juggles her high-powered executive position, her family and her malevolent nighttime proclivities. A detective—also a woman!—is on her trail, and it’s a fast-paced battle of the wits between good and evil. With ladies.

Champagne Empress And Friends Party On the Orient Express

“A lady is the owner of a champagne empire, and all of her friends are the owners of other awesome, tasty empires like Cadbury and cheese. They spend their days making smart business deals and trying out each other’s products. One day they decide to buy a train, deck it out like the Orient Express and ride it through Europe. They throw big parties in each city they stop in, and dudes have to take their shirts off to gain entrance. There are absolutely no vampires in this movie.” via Sarah Pitre, Forever Young Adult

An Adaptation of A Wrinkle In Time

Madeleine L’Engle’s classic sci-fi protagonist, Meg Murry, was my childhood hero. Meg’s a nerdy tomboy overshadowed by her more outstanding siblings, a condition with which I could heartily relate. Disney made a tepid TV movie of A Wrinkle in Time in 2003, but the story is beautifully whimsical and inherently cinematic, and I’d love to see it on the big screen.

Businesswomen Deal With Office Idiots

“A raucous comedy about successful women getting into antics dealing with their idiot coworkers. I’d like to see a woman as a boss who can dish it out and take it.   Not just the receptionist or the copy girl. ” via Kelly Foster

An Adaptation of Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home

I now base every single entertainment decision on the Bechdel Test, and it would be great to see an animated movie adapted from Bechdel’s non-linear graphic memoir. Fun Home features Bechdel’s complicated relationship with her closeted homosexual father and her own experience coming out as a proud lesbian. It’s heartfelt and hilarious, and it would make a touching and incisive film.

A Reality Bites Reunion

“This one has a specific cast:  Janeane Garofalo and Winona Ryder re-team in a movie where women in their early 40s are still pretty and say super clever things.” via Amanda Jeronimus, The Violator

A Reverse Romantic Thriller

A hot, successful CEO is pursued by her sexy, younger subordinate. Against her better judgment, after a relentless pursual by the employee, she cheats on her loving and loyal husband. She then attempts to end the affair and the crazed sancho stalks her family and threatens her perfect existence. So, like every other romantic thriller ever, but with the gender roles reversed.

Rollicking Good-Time Abortion Movie

“I remember feeling the same sense of backlash against ‘female-driven films’ when all those stupid pregnancy movies came out a few years ago. Where are the films about normal chicks who worry about paying their rent and buying groceries, and maybe can’t afford to have a baby? The fact that a kid can’t even get a JOB for, like, 16 years, is a big deal. Why do ‘good’ women have to power through and get fat and have a baby and then find ultimate personal bliss in doing so? Isn’t a woman stronger for considering other options? Show me a rollicking good-time abortion movie and I WILL BE THERE.” via Jill Brumer

An Adaptation Of The Book Thief

Markus Zusak’s novel set in Nazi Germany tells the story of the tough, stubborn little spitfire Liesel Meminger. The book is heart-wrenching and profound while still incredibly fun, and a film version might very possibly rock my socks.

A Female Buddy Movie

“A female buddy movie.  One girl is super successful and pretty.  The other girl is also super successful and pretty.  They are very supportive of each other, and by supporting each other, they get even more successful. The women don’t sleep in makeup. It’s never been done in cinema before!” via Amanda Jeronimus, The Violator

A Biography Of Nellie Bly

In 1880, a teenaged Bly (pen name for Elizabeth Cochran) wrote an angry rebuttal to a sexist column and gained herself a staff-writing position for the Pittsburgh Dispatch. She worked as a foreign correspondent in Mexico, reporting on industrial working conditions and government conspiracies at the age of 21. Upon her return to the States after being threatened with arrest and deportation by the Mexican president, Bly started working for Joseph Pulitzer and went undercover, feigning insanity and amnesia to gain admittance to the Women’s Lunatic Asylum where she investigated and validated claims of abuse and neglect. A year later she circumnavigated the globe by herself in 72 days, showing old Phileas Fogg who’s boss. She became a millionaire and president of a manufacturing company and spent the remainder of her days doing charity work. C’mon. This shit writes itself!

Executive Chooses Job Over Boyfriend

“A girl works her ass off at her career, has massive success, and has to choose between said boyfriend and the career…and then dumps the boyfriend and goes on a fabulous ladies vacation and comes back to dominate the world, not throw it all away by tossing her Blackberry into a fountain (that’s right, ANNE HATHAWAY).” via Jessica Roch

A Beer Movie Musical

A woman triumphs over the overwhelmingly male populace of homebrewers. After being scoffed at for having ladyparts yet loving hops, she spends the year perfecting the ultimate beer recipe in time to enter the National Homebrew Competition. She makes and drinks bounteous amounts of beer in a series of montages set to a rousing Survivor soundtrack. She wins! Also, it’s a musical. About beer.

Forensic Scientist Wears Sensible Shoes

“An intelligent forensic scientist is on the trail of a diabolical killer.  The killer is intent on tormenting her by sending her inscrutable clues about his next victim, and she goes to the brink of madness to solve the case before another girl is murdered!  The twist?  She does it all in sensible shoes!” via Amanda Jeronimus, The Violator

RuPaul Is President

I haven’t fully cultivated this idea yet. But RuPaul is President, you guys!

Trifecta Of Perfection

“I’ll stick with my trifecta that makes everything amazing: more kitties, more champers, and more Paul Rudd.” via Leah Mayo

Mansfield Park From The Perspective Of The Crawfords

Jane Austen’s morality novel is told from the point of view of the insipid and self-righteous Fanny, who disapproves of the free-spirited Crawford siblings. Mary Crawford in particular tries to overcome her amoral propensity while still retaining a sense of fun, and the story would be much more interesting (and far less infuriating) told from her non-judgmental viewpoint.

Gays Plus Gals

“I would totally watch a movie about the ridiculous times shared by socially awkward gays and fabulous gals.” via Alexandra Drake

A Dystopian Future Where Kids Are Neutered

A scientist in the near future is responsible for neutering children for population control purposes. She begins to feel morally ambiguous about her role, and plots to escape the sinister corporation that employs her and tracks her every move.

A Wonder Woman Movie

That’s right fellas, a movie. About Wonder Woman. With which David E. Kelley has absolutely no involvement. For those of you smug commenters who are constantly bitching that Wonder Woman isn’t a well-written character, please look around you. Almost none of the superheroes who have been favored with their own feature films started out as well-written characters. That’s what a (good) screenwriter is for! Wonder Woman has her fans and she deserves her shot at the big screen as much as any of these other beefcakes.

Hollywood, you’re welcome. We will accept royalties in the form of beer and tacos. Badasses, think you can do better? Hit me up in the comments.

You can read more from Meredith, @xymarla, at www.dannyisnthere.com.

Meredith Borders's photo About the Author: Meredith is the managing editor of Badass Digest, Fantastic Fest, The Alamo Drafthouse and Birth.Movies.Death. She's shorter than you might think.
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